On Rehab, Grief, Dog Farts, and Smiling

I started my day this morning knowing what I was going to write about later. It was a pretty awesome idea. A friend of mine, Brown, asked me to write about what keeps me upbeat through the day, what keeps me smiling. What a great topic! She thought to herself smiling, as she unwittingly stepped into a shit-tornado of a day. It doesn't really matter what happened, in the end. I've been experiencing a lot of nonsense-pain in my body, and the forces of the universe just kept shitting on my head. I was doing well in public, smiling and being cheerful... but by the time I was on the way home, I was screaming at handicapped drivers and ideating about kicking kittens into episodes of Metalocalypse. I got home and laid on my couch for a second, and then my dog jumped up and farted right in my face. I ended up in tears on my floor for about a half hour.

You... little shit.

My friends know this about me: My life just never quits. The past three years have been something to marvel at. Crisis after crisis, and I'm still okay. It really started rolling last year, with a solid five weeks in rehab for alcohol dependence. Looking back, I'm glad I went. My recovery is no joke. I've had some ups and some serious downs since then, but I'm 45 days sober today so it's going well enough. October 2012, Reggie Mullen, a woman I considered to be a mother figure lost her battle to cancer less than two weeks after she went into the hospital for a cough. Then the inside of my head literally imploded, smashing the bones in my face together. I got my own cancer scare, a couple hospitalizations, two surgeries, a couple more hospitalizations. I lost one of my heroes, my Great Uncle Everett, to cancer in April. I helped my grandmother clean the apartment he died alone in after his throat hemorrhaged, blood around the place telling a story of a very lonely, painful death. It hurts my heart to think about. I've been in the emergency room twice since then, and I'm now facing my own medical crisis. And shit, it keeps going. Terrible things keep happening. And things weren't great before all this happened. My life before the Marine Corps has been politely described as hellish and insane.

You know why it never stops? Because it never stops. There will always be a crisis. Something terrible is looming around the corner every single day. It will never, ever stop. Once you realize that, you can choose to become bitter and haunted by the things you victimize yourself with, or you can become the person people look to for comfort in a terrible situation. I believe I think of this a little differently, because my recovery is so important to me. I love people in recovery because they tend to be so giving of themselves, and that's what I try to emulate day to day. A smile can change another person's day. If your smile changes one person's day, and their smile changes another person's... then suddenly you have a domino effect. You have improved the lives of people you don't even know. It's like the sex ed pictures, but with happiness instead of herpes.

(You have no idea how many pictures of herpes I saw before I found this picture.)

The light in another human being's eyes is so magical to me. That's how I stay upbeat throughout my day, Brown! I know that somewhere, someone is enjoying their life a little bit more just because I tried. It makes my heart swell. The Serenity prayer gives me a weird strength on days like today. "God (Bears/spaghetti monster/science) grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference". It took me a while to really grasp the power of that, and become the change I wanted to see in other people, but now I couldn't be happier. So even though I haven't been able to eat real food for a week, and my entire day was balls, I still feel good. I feel satisfied with what I went out to accomplish. I made people smile. My dog may have farted in my face, and I may have had a little bit of a nervous breakdown.... But sometimes life farts in your face, and you just have to take it. Let the smell waft over you, let your eyes tear up. Then get back on your feet, laugh it off, and find the Febreeze.  Much love, all. 

~Kayleigh

PS: Tell your friends I write stuff. There's share buttons. It took me like 38 years to figure out how to make them work.